Thursday, March 3, 2011

Heart & Home

In the ever present desire for a welcoming and "me" living room, I will be once again perusing the aisles of the TJ Maxx Homesource Store. Ever since Sasha passed away and I removed his big bird cage from the feels empty and echo-ey. Sad. So------everything came off the walls! Nail holes have been filled, touch up paint is just in the can.....waiting to be used. But, as is the rest of my life, I feel unsure, unmotivated and so confused. Is this 'shell' of a room representative of how I feel inside? Am I the only 40-something woman who feels this way? I married sooooo young, had my girls by the time I was 2o yrs. old. I have been married for thirty-years and I have two grandchildren. I am ONLY forty-eight years old. I that old??? When I gained weight over six years ago, I truly believed that once I had the diagnosis of hypothyroid and was given medications to take, the weight would fall right off. Oh how naive I was! I don't think I've lost a single pound since my diagnosis. Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Medifast,'ve all failed me. I should be your case study, Jenny Craig!! I go to the gym and workout like a fiend. I truly have 'guns'!!!!!! Lots of fat, too...... The only thing I have lost is my self-esteem.....and I have learned that there are 'loved' ones in our lives who DO judge, who DO contribute to the self-loathing. It's been not only a depressing experience, it's also been eye-opening. But, it has left me lower than low. I continue to walk around, pretending to be happy. Giving and loving to everyone around me. I smile. I laugh. I hug. And I can hear my own heartbeat echoing in this empty shell. If I work on decorating the living room, am I just pasting a smile on the walls of it??? Is it a facade? Or will it be the beginning of my own healing....peeling back the old layers and finding my new ones? It is time for me to be decisive, time to take action.......can I? Will I?

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